Post-adoption:
Those eyes—those “baby blues”
How is it possible to fall in love with a photograph? How can eyes melt your heart in an email? I did fall in love with my son, strictly from pictures, but not instantly. I remember before we received the first pictures of our son I had a great fear that I would not think he was beautiful. In fact when my husband first looked at the email, he mentioned that his jaw was very prominent. I quickly dismissed his concerns, really as an effort to deny that I was thinking the same thing. I felt guilty to even be concerned with such a trivial thing. But how can you instantly fall in love with someone you have never met? Why do we feel that it must be this way? I guess I felt guilty for being so shallow. I know I felt pressure to convince others that I loved this child. And I eventually did have a strong attachment to him through the monthly updates and pictures we received from the orphanage. I thought he was beautiful every month.
I don’t remember the exact day it happened, the day I fell in love. Sometime in that 16 month process, he became mine. I mentally made the decision to love him from the very beginning (doubts and all), but he got my heart along the way. Isn’t that a beautiful picture of love? Love is a choice made despite feelings--because feelings come and go. And I am an expert in the area of hot and cold feelings.
I have been called passionate and intense by more than one person. I love logic, but when I truly care about something, my heart takes over. I experienced so many emotions during the first few months that my son was home. I swung between intense love, anger, sadness, irritability, and apathy. I thought something was wrong with me. Why was I not the happy mom I envisioned my myself to be? I had waited 16 agonizing months, after all, at times crying just to hold him. And now that he was home, I was struggling to keep it together. What was my problem? As I experienced these emotions I discovered that this is a very common occurrence in adoptive moms. Post Adoptive Depression is a fairly new term and scarcely discussed. I was obsessive in researching every avenue about adoption during our wait, and I never came across it. I know that when I finally admitted some of my true feelings to other adoptive moms, they quickly agreed and felt such a relief to hear someone else experiencing some of the same feelings. So my mission is spread awareness and encouragement. I want to be honest and let other adoptive moms know they are not alone. I want them to be able to find support so that they can work through these hard times. I want them to have hope.
PAD, like post partum depression or “baby blues”, has a wide range of severity. However, unlike PPD, it is not caused by hormones. There are varying theories on why it occurs, but I think my case was a result of a huge emotional let down coupled with control issues. I had prayed and prayed over the decision to add a child to our family by adoption. I was convinced that our son was in Haiti. I researched every possible orphanage, every detail of Haiti, every step of the adoption process. I was literally obsessed, I believe, with having all the facts. I had to be prepared. I had to be doing something at all times. Some of it was necessary, as we chose to do an independent adoption, and would not have the resource of an agency. But much of it was my attempt to control what could not be controlled. Haiti is notorious for changing the rules midstream. I knew this going in, but I was not prepared for the frustrations that would await me. And with each disappointment I was determined to correct it. I was constantly emailing someone or inquiring of other adoptive moms further in the process. So when Bo finally made it home, I had nothing left to work for, hence the let down.
Don’t get me wrong, I loved my son. I really never felt those feelings of, what have I done to my family? I guess because I believed that God had chosen Bo for us, and that was that. But I did struggle with issues of control. I came home with an instant 2 year old—who whined all the time. He did not speak, but he made his feelings known loud and clear. I quickly became annoyed with the constant weepy/pouty face of my son. He could flip the switch from laughing to crying faster than my daughter, and that was talent. I was prepared for the temper tantrums that I had read so much about. But these whining attacks were too much! I found myself irritated all day long. I prayed constantly for God to give me patience, but I wasn’t winning the battle. And so I did the only thing I knew how to do….I blogged. And I unknowingly did the very thing that I needed to do. I shared my feelings and I received encouragement in return. Unable to express my feelings better than when I was in the moment, here is my blog entry:
The Ups and DownsJanuary 3, 2008I have been struggling on how to write this entry. For the past few weeks I have run the spectrum of emotions, sometimes daily. I spoke before of feeling bipolar waiting for Bo. Well, I guess I envisioned the emotions to level out when he actually came home. This has not been the case. My heart has truly swelled with love for Bo, but there have been moments of sadness and grief. I want to accurately portray my experience for those out there thinking about adoption, or those in the process. I came across a website written by Melissa Fay Green. She has written multiple books, and has adopted 5 children, several from Ethiopia. On her guide to Ethiopian adoption she speaks of preparing for adoption. These words convicted me to not just paint a pretty picture of our experience, but to tell the truth. Here are her words:***I have heard experts -- in the field of international adoption medicine -- bitterly lament how little homework some parents do. “People spend more time researching their next car than their next child,” an international adoption doctor told me.There is a place for love and faith and , dreams and hope, horoscopes and signs, on your adoption journey, but those heartfelt aspects of adoption should not, at the start, be your brightest guiding lights.Instead, try this one: THE COMPLETE GUIDE TO FOREIGN ADOPTION by Dr. Barbara BascIt’s not as peppy or upbeat as many guides to international adoption; there are no cherubs, hearts, or rainbows in the illustrations as you’ll see on many adoption websites. This book does not pretend that your child is floating on a sun-kissed cloud amongst the angels while waiting for you to complete your homestudy; it’s not a guide for Dummies or for Idiots, and it doesn’t promise a baby in your arms by Christmas.BUT it will arm you with something more powerful than hearts, rainbows, promises, and heart-melting photographs: facts.***After reading this statement I want to add that adoption is hard, but so rewarding. I guess children in general fit that category. I don't know that Melissa Fay Green is a Christian, and that makes a world of difference. If I did not have the assurance that God had led us to Bo, I would be flooded with doubt and fear. But she is so right is saying that feelings cannot guide you in any decision or sustain you through your course. Only God is capable of that. And so, after my LONGGGGG intro, here are my thoughts.Bo is an orphan. He has spent 1.5 years in an orphanage. That will make an impact on his development. I am truly heartbroken when I try to imagine what his little mind had to deal with, and how he coped. I have observed this orphanage mentality these last few months. Here are a few of the things that sadden me:1. Bo bangs his head to rock himself to sleep2. His first temper tantrum lasted an hour. He did not want to look at us, or be held. He tried to kick and bite us. He cried and would not be consoled. He was trying to grieve and take care of himself.3. He hoards food. You cannot give him a container and expect to get it back. He will eat the entire container in one sitting.4. He pushed the other children away at the orphanage when I hugged them. The other children pushed him when I held him.5. He follows me around and cries if I leave the room. Sometimes even being next to him is not enough. I have to hold him. Sometimes there is nothing that consoles him.6. I have stood at his crib for over 30 minutes. Every minute Bo opens his eyes to make sure I am still there. If he is awake when I leave, he screams.7. He scratches his body, because of the scabies. He has scars.8. He is very self sufficient for a 2 year oldBUT....There are so many wonderful things that make it all worth it1. He wanted us to hold him the very first day.2. He no longer bangs his head when we rock him.3. He is starting to share food.4. He is beginning to imitate words.5. He hugs his brother and sister.6. He wants to snuggle with Mommy and Daddy.7. He scratches less.8. He smiles, laughs, flirts, plays chase...9. His temper tantrums are maybe 5 minutes and few and far between10.He is experiencing so many things for the first time, and he is so adaptable11. He is blossoming before our eyesSo my point is, there have been moments where my patience has been worn thin. I have cried, giggled, and sighed within 10 minutes. I am exhausted. I don't have all the answers and question my tactics with Bo. I get annoyed at the whining. My daughter has regressed and wants attention. My son is clingy. These are all realities. But in the midst of all this, there is so much joy. I love the way my two oldest children have opened up their home and hearts to Bo. I love it when they kiss him and say they love him. I love it when they thank God for him. I love seeing Bo come out of his shell and start trusting. I love seeing him need someone else. I love him! I love seeing my husband rock all of our children. I love watching my husband care and be strong for Bo, so that Bo doesn't have to do it himself anymore. I love that people ask us about adoption and stare everywhere we go. I love Bo's smile and when he snuggles in my neck. I love what God has done.I want to encourage you to share your feelings with other women who can boost your spirits like no one else—adoptive moms who have been there. When you vent your true emotions, you find you are able to see what God is doing through it all. If I would have never confessed the struggles I was having, I would have never realized that I needed God to help me through it all. I would have never seen the beautiful things because I was too focused on the negative. I would have believed my whole life that I could make things happen by pure force of will. I have learned that I am very stubborn, but God is in control. Why did it take me 32 years to find out about myself this intense need for control? Why did it take an adoption to sift it out of me? I may never know, but I am so grateful.
And sadly I am still struggling with my control issues. I find myself wrestling with anger during potty training and bedtimes. If this adoption has shown me anything, it is that I am not as amazing as I once believed. I thought my strong willed daughter had prepared me for anything. She has definitely helped me, but I had a long way to go. So please pray for me….I am a passionate, slow learning woman!
Christy McDonaldI am a mother to 3 beautiful children (6, 4, and 2 years) in Oklahoma. I am a homemaker, part-time NICU RN, and minister’s wife. We just completed our son’s adoption from Haiti in Dec 07.
